Aishiteru
by Gein
Summary: A GingetsuxLan deathfic. In Lan's last moments, Gingetsu confesses something he never thought he'd be able to say.


Greetings, ye merrymen! *medeival music plays* I am Gein, and not very well-known in these parts of fanfiction. This is my first Clover fic, and my first fic I've posted that's not Rurouni Kenshin. ^_^;; This, as I said, is a GingetsuxLan fic, and a deathfic. We all knew Ran was going to die, correct? *sharp knives hurled at Gein* Eheh, excuse my bluntness. This fic is my first songfic also, based off the Sarah Mclauchlin song "Do What You Have To Do." YE MERRYMEN! It's vital to me that I know how I did in this area! 0.o! So please R&R, okay? Okay! *flings corpses at random passerby in happiness. Other news...*looks at cue card* Clover is property of Clamp, and other people I don't know about. This is for entertainment purposes only, no money is being made from this. I present to you...  
-.-Aishiteru-.-  
Gingetsu buried his face in his face, angry at himself for not being able to concentrate. The room next to his was quiet, except for occasional beeps and humming of computers. The papers on his desk were still unsigned, deadlines were to be met, but only one thing he was able to think about. 'Lan...'  
//What ravages of spirit   
Conjured this temptuous rage..//  
It had only been three years, and Lan only looked like he was in his early thirties, but Gingetsu knew, and forced himself to admit that any time now the three-leaf would be gone. Giving up on his paperwork, he sat in his chair and listened hard.  
//Created you a monster  
Broken by the rules of love//  
Gingetsu realized now that there was no hint of sound coming from the other room. As the quickly thickening silence wasn't broken for far too long, the two-leaf felt a sudden sorge of adrenaline. He stood up from the chair, still listening intently. Still no sound. Was that a good or bad thing?  
//And fate has led you through it  
You do what you have to do//  
'He's okay. Don't get so highstrung. Just breathe.' Gingetsu told himself mentally, but something was still nagging him, and images were still there. It was obvious from the dark rings under his eyes and tired, tight features that Lan was weakening quickly. And it was obvious he was trying to hide it from the lieutenant colonel. Fake smiles and empty cheerfulness told Gingetsu that Lan knew as well as he did that his time was limited.   
//And fate has led you through it  
You do what you have to do//  
Gingetsu leaned against the wall, trying to take his mind off the three-leaf. A song emerged from his thoughts. "To be born again into your arms..." The haunting voice in his mind only made Gingetsu think more about Lan. /"It's a pretty song,"/ Gingetsu remembered the look he had gave the little boy two years ago when he had said that. /"I'm sorry. Even without speakers, I can hear it when you're close..."/ Gingetsu closed his eyes, remebering the days he had soent with him. 'Lan...'  
  
//And I have the sense to recognize  
That I don't know how to let you go...//  
Gingetsu swallowed hard, forcing his mind off the thoughts and memories. 'Not as strong as you think you are, huh? You're afraid of losing him because you love him.' he berated himself. Gingetsu glared at the ground. He hated not being in control of Lan's situation, and hated himself for giving into his emotions so easily. but so much was on his mind; so many images and memories.  
//Every moment marked  
With apparitions of your soul...//  
Gingetsu made a move to the door and opened it quietly. It was 2:00 AM, and the lieutenant knew Lan should've been asleep by midnight. The sage council, however, kept giving him assignments, asking for constant favors like solving codes and tracking the enemy armies. They didn't care whether Lan lived or died, they were just afraid of him.  
//I'm ever swiftly moving  
Trying to escape this desire//  
The dark hallway and the silence made the adrenaline surge through him, but Gingetsu quickly fought it down. He paused outside Lan's door, still debating whether or not he should go in. 'What if you disturb him just as he's finally getting a lead to something?' But his mind was overwhelmed by anxiety, so before the two-leaf knew what he was doing, he knocked softly on the door. His heart sped up as no sound came from the dim-lit room.  
//The yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do//  
A long silence passed, and the lieutenant colonel knocked again, more urgently. No answer. "Lan? Can I come in?" Gingetsu asked, and put his hand door knob when again there was no response. A long moment passed, and Gingetsu listened hard. There was a soft thud on the floor in the next room, and Gingetsu felt his blood freeze as he swung the door open.  
//The yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do...//  
"Lan!" Gingetsu cried. The three-leaf lay sprawled on the floor, and pool fo blood forming around his head. Gingetsu rushed over, sitting him up. "Lan! Lan!?" he shouted, shaking him, but froze as blood steadily streamed out of the corner of the slightly younger man's mouth.  
//But I have the sense to recognize  
That I don't know how  
To let you go//  
Gingetsu fought down the urge to panic as he picked Lan up and carried him to his room, where he laid him down on the full-sized bed. The three-leaf's breathing was harsh and labored, as if he had been running for a long time. Gingetsu brushed the back of his ahdn against Lan's forehead. He was sweating hard, but no fever. The lieutenant colonel bit back frustration and nauseating fear. Being out of the laboratory was finally taking it's toll on Lan.  
//I don't know how  
To let you go...//  
Lan's eyes fluttered open, eyes hazy with pain. "Ginge...tsu..." he managed in a strained voice. "Don't talk; I'll get Kazuhiko." the two-leaf ordered, but the panic was evident in his voice. Lan gritteed his teeth, hissing as a wave of pain overcame him. "No...it's finally over...there's no way..." he gasped and clutched his chest as sharp pains hit him unrelentlessly.   
//A burning ember  
Burning hot  
Burning slow...//  
Gingetsu felt a sting in his eyes as he placed his hand over the younger man's. "Lan..." he tried to keep his voice firm. "Please don't...don't go...just please try to bear the pain a little while longer...please live..." his voice wavered. Lan's eyes widened as Gingetsu took off his glasses to prevent oncoming tears. "Gingetsu...don't be sad...we both knew-" Lan gasped and dug his nails into the colonel's hand as a violent tremor of pain overcame him.  
//Deep within I'm shaken by the violence//  
the trembling subsided, and Lan's pale face was even whiter and his breathing was coming out in soft, shallow gasps. "Lan. Lan...it'll be fine...you won't die, and...it'll be okay..." Gingetsu reassured both of them, and held the three-leaf's hand with both of his securely. "I still...I'm so sorry, Ginge-" Lan's hand shook violently as his body was wracked with harsh coughs. More blood shot out of his mouth and onto the pillow.  
//Of existing for only you...//  
Gingetsu held Lan's hand firmly, and stammered, "Was it worth it...?" Lan's pain filled eyes gazed up at him. "Going from the lab, and staying...with me...do you have regrets?" Tears, Gingetsu noticed, were forming in Lan's eyes. "No...never. Everything...I've ever loved...ever held close...you gave to me here."  
//I know I can't be with you  
I do what I have to do//  
Lan smiled, the same wise, faint smile Gingetsu had known since the first time he met Lan. "You're not going to die...don't look at me like that..." Gingetsu said desperately. Lan was about to respond when another shudder of pain overcame him, and blood trickled out of his mouth. Lan laughed breathlessly, and it faded into another cough. "So this is goodbye..." he whispered.  
//I know I can't be with you  
I do what I have to do...//  
Gingetsu closed his eyes in hopeless defiance. "No matter what happens...I want you to know how much you mean to me...I can't let you go, Lan..." he murmured, voice catching in his throat. Lan smiled, then clutched his chest in pain. He tried to cover up the misery as he gazed up at the lieutenant colonel. "Thank you...for everything," he said quietly.  
//And I have the sense to recognize, but//  
The two-leaf brought Lan's hand to his mouth, kissing it gently. Lan bit back crying himself as he felt Gingetsu's tears still desperately trying to be held back against his palm. Another sharp, unrelenting pain seized at his heart, and the three-leaf knew it was only a matter of moments before his life ended. "Lan...please..." Gingetsu mananged. "I need you." then, in a hoarse, choked voice, he whispered the words he'd waited too late to say. "I love you."  
//I don't know how to let you go...//  
Lan smiled slightly, his eyes reflecting all of his happiness and so much sadness. His voice was only a breathless whisper as tears finally made their way down his cheeks. "I'm so glad...Gingetsu....." Lan's eyes slowly shut. With the last of his energy he squeezed the two-leaf's hand gently, before it slipped through the colonel's grasp and lay still on the bed.  
//I don't know how to let you go...//  
"Lan...? Lan!"Gingetsu cried, gripping the three-leaf's shoulders roughly. "Wake up...please wake up..." he whispered, staring desperately at the younger man's peaceful face. "Lan...don't..." he pleaded, and tears finally fell from his dark eyes, seeping into the fabric of Lan's shirt. "Don't leave me..." he whispered brokenly. Falling onto Lan and letting tears flow, Gingetsu gave in to something he had sworn himself never to experience, but he didn't care. The only thing he cared about in his life was gone.  
  
//...I don't know how to let you go...//  
  
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.  
completed 4:26 PM, March 30, 2002  
*wild-eyes into the screen* What was it Gingetsu succumbed to? Whispering? *laugh track* I hate my jokes. _ Feedback, flames, and IMs are oh so very appreciated, ye merrymen. ^^v Oh, and before I forget, happy Easter *does the easter dance*, and...*stares spooky-eyed* Review this fic. i need to know how I did, okay? Okay! 


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